Tuesday, November 25, 2008
"Know thyself and thou shall know all the mysteries of the Gods and the Universe." Is it time to write again? Were I to have an active fan base, I would be a great disappointment, but here I am now, so let me speak a word or two. I am going to tell you a little about me, to bare what I can permit myself to bare. Each word, each secret, is a loss to me, for I have always been not just a secret man, but a secret itself, and I am guarded well, so I will not, cannot just now say too much, bet let us see what words will come. Many years ago, over a decade, I put a list together of all I hoped to find in a woman. The list was ridiculously long and painfully picky, but through that list, I created, or rather realized, the three most important things to me in a relationship. Now, while this was so long ago, and my dating life and habits and experiences have much changed since then, the importance of these three still remains, for in these things, I find myself also. 1. Someone who is very physical. Of the three main modes, or love languages (auditory, visual, kinisthetic) I am predominantly kinisthetic. Of course, like everyone I am a bit of all three, but kinisthetic remains the most important to me. I am a very physical person, and I experience love in these terms. It is important for me for a person to touch me, often and all over. It is important for me to touch someone in turn. I am very much a giver, and I relish in the knowledge of knowing I am pleasing someone I care for. With those I have truly loved, I do not shy away from any touch, in any place we may be. I need somoene who shares this, who is very touchy feely, and sensitive, and passionate, because without it I bore quickly, I frustrate, and I give up. I will never believe someone loves me if they do not touch me. 2. The ability to communicate. That is very generic I know, and I want it to remain somewhat generic because it is so inclusive. I want someone who is open and honest with me, someone who is able to talk about our problems and work them out, who is not afraid, who can show their vulnerability, their strength. I need to work on this myself. I will!! I want someone who can carry on an intelligent conversation, who I am in awe of, learn from, aspire to be. It is as important for me to be intellectually stimulated as it is for me to be physically stimulated. I want to discuss politics and religion, philosophy and literature. I want to be able to disagree and know I am respected. When I was younger I had these conversations, and I loved them, thrived on them, and over these many last years, they have been so few I feel unable to engage any longer. I feel less intelligent now than I was as a high school senior because my brain is a muscle I have not excercised. I want that back in my life. I want someone who intimidates me with her knowledge and the things she can teach me. I also want someone with whom I can engage in witty banter and comic railery. While I realize I am a shy person, I also love to flirt in the right circumstances. One of the most enjoyable parts of dating is the early flirting. I am quick and witty, and want someone who can not only keep up with me, but win and keep me on my toes. I want those zingers that push me back a step and all I can say is "good girl." Have you ever been with someone who you loved so much because you loved who you are when you are with them? That is what I want, someone who brings out that side of me, the side I love, that everyone loves, but few people know about. 3. Someone who can sit for long periods of time in total silence and not feel uncomfortable. Silence, my friends, is greatly under-rated. Sometimes don't words just ruin the moment, the simplicity, the perfection? I believe that if you are uncomfortable with silence it is only because you are uncomfortable with who you are with, and that is true wether you are with a friend, a lover, or only yourself alone. Perhaps I feel so strongly on this because I have spent so much of my time, my youth, my years alone, and I am now accustomed to the silence of my solitude, but it goes beyond this. I want to know when I am with someone that it is enough for that person to just be with me. I want to sit on a blanket staring up at the stars and say no single word, but think the thought that today God has blessed me for this beautiful person beside me. I want to hold her hand, kiss her softly, and be completely and comfortably content in the moment. It is interesting with how much I love the silence, that I also love music as much as I do. Ask anyone who knows me, and they will say my ipod is among my more valued possessions. Sometimes if I am in a conversation and a great song is on, I want to pause all talk and focus only on the song, on some beat, a string of chords, an echo, or the trembling in some singers voice. I thought of this, why I love music so much, and it is for much the same reason as I do enjoy the quiet. It helps me to focus on the moment, the now, on nothing but what is before me this instant, not a second before or after. What worries can I have when I am engrossed in the emotions that someone else wrote down for me? And if I have worries, they are only the worries I need out of me, and magically someone else found a way to express it. I am jealous of their words and wish that I had written them, for I felt them. It was me who starved for the words, and they who filled me. Music is important in my life Also, years ago, I compiled a list of what matters to me, the most important things in my life, that which I cannot do without. They are as follows: God, Christ, family, relationships, love, beauty, freedom. God and Christ I consider much the same. As I am a Christian, I know it is through Christ I get to God, and so I love Christ as my Savior, and it is God who I seek to return to. He is my father. I guess I put them seperately because I thought if Christ were not in my life, than the knowledge of God would still get me through. Family I consider both the family I have now and that I wish to have in the future. I am blessed with my family. I will talk more of my family at a later date. I am also anxious to have my own family. I taught a class the other day, and before classes begin I always talk with people and get to know them a little, and one gentleman was talking about his new family, and he wasn't much older than me, and was asking if I had a family. I told him I didn't, and wasn't married, but definitely wanted a wife and kids in the future. He told me he wished he would not have waited so long to have kids, and I told him I too sometimes wish to have kids early on because I want to be able to keep up with my kids as they are older. I want to play basketball with my sons when they are in high school and have it be competetive. I want to hike with them without them waiting an hour at the top. He said that is not at all the reason he wished he had kids sooner, but he said, "You should see the way my son dotes on me, and the way he dotes on his grandparents." I want that. I want the white picket fence dream, the house, the mortgage, the wife, the kids, the saturday trips to the park for soccer games and ballet recitals, watching a home movie and for once in my life enjoying it, having pride in it. Relationships and love can also be combined. Relationships being both the one and ultimate relationship I hope to have with a woman some day, and the relationships I have with everyone I encounter on any path I take. I seek meaningfull relationships. I do not have enough of them, and it is much to my doing. Love, oh, I will have to speak someday of the love I have inside of me, tearing at my skin. It is deep, and it cuts, and weeps. I am too able to love I think. This too, someday I may tell you of. Beauty and Freedom. I live for beauty. This is one of the big reasons I love my motorcycle as much as I do. Her name is Jana Amata, and yes, their is great meaning to her name. When I am on my motorcycle, I feel and sense everything. When you are in a car, you are seperated from what is around you, but when on a motorcycle, you are part of it, and each canyon I drive through, I am the very soil of the hills, I am the wind himself, and each ocean drive, I am that salty sea breaze, and I take notice down to the frothy foam of every wave. I live for beauty, for nature. In nature, I see God. I see my aspirations. I love photography for this reason. This world is full of beauty, and everything has it, wether mountain or desert, and sometimes the most beautiful scene is in the blankness of a dull and grey sky that shifts in subtle hues. I live for beauty, in art, literature, music, and people. Sometimes I love to just stare at a beautiful woman, not to lust after her, but to admire the beauty and symmetry. This too inspires me, and I want to grab a pen and draw picture, but cannot draw, and no words I find would ever do justice to a beautiful woman. Freedom, for this reason too I am in love with Jana. She is my freedom, my freedom from thought and worry. She is my ability to escape places, and people, and even my own mind. I can only be happy when I am with her, and I am free. I feel the freedom in the wind blowing past me. "Who else has seen such sunsets, or felt the thrill of wind in hair that only motorcycles know?" This my friends, is a little about me, and if I wrote only for myself, then to me I say, "Know Thyself." Discover me. Discover me, and the things you will learn, will take you far.
Posted by T. Cordell Stott