Thursday, October 23, 2008

"The God of Small Things."

A few people have asked when I would post another blog. I didn't think anyone read, or knew about this blog, so it's been a bit of a surprise. I don't intend to write often, as I find other things more important to me, but I'll make an attempt from time to time. What will I write about? Each time it will be a discovery, a conversation between my own selves. Perhaps, I should tell myself then my state of being. Earlier today I had an interview with my Bishop (ecclisiastical leader) in order to renew my temple recommend. Anyone not a Mormon who may read this likely won't know what that all means, and I won't get in to it now. If you have questions, please do ask. It has been a long time since I have been to the temple. I have been stubborn about it for some time. I believe in my faith. I have discovered it is not something I can back away from. I have made my attempts at it, and at times, my faith has stood in my way for the things I felt I wanted, but I cannot escape it, do not wish to escape it. I have a knowledge and faith too deep within me. I have not been to the temple for this long time because I wanted it to be for the right reason. The right reason seemed to further distance itself from me. My move to California, I have been here three years now, has in ways not been good for me. Some of the biggest mistakes of my life I have made here, and spiritually, I had rowed myself down a path I was not meant to travel. The climax of it all came a few months back, and the short of it all is that I decided, the right reason will only come when I make it the right reason, so I am going back to the temple. I have a deep faith for my beliefs. I am not afraid to question those beliefs, to question my own faith, to question the things my church teaches me. I have my issues and my qualms, and I am comfortable in having them. This perhaps I learn from my mother. I learn much from her, as from my father also. My parents have always taught me to come to my own conclusions about things. They are there for advice, support, guidance, but they are intelligent enough to know I am a man who cannot be told, but must learn of my own. I am awed at the wisdom of my parents. You should know them. This climax of a few months back, was a low point in my life, and I wondered how many low points could one life have, and so many in the period of only a few months. A man cannot rise though until he falls. He cannot stand up, until he is pushed down, and I have been pushed by many people, and found the ways in which I tripped myself. The clarity of these last few months has been incredible, and I am constantly set upon some new discovery. Once you commit yourself to an idea, when you let God know, throw it out to the Universe, miracles happen in the smallest ways. Prayer can be a difficult thing for me, yet essential of late. I have complete reverence for God, and still I do not think that when we pray we need to talk too formally to Him. God is my Father, and as such, I will speak to him as my Father. When I am upset with him, mad and frustrated, I will let him know. I am not afraid to express what He already knows. God is God. If I am mad at him, He knows it already, so why try and hide it when expressing the feeling is the best way to work through it? What I want most in my life are the things I know God wants for me. God being the God I know He is, wants me to have it, so when I pray to him I tell him very straightforward that these are the things I want, and they are things I am taught to want, and I am now willing to do my part, He now needs to do His. He has. He is. I pray for miracles in my life, for miracles are what I did need. God is the God of miracles. God is the God of small things. "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass." I think of those things in my life of the last few months, the people I have met, the people helping to change me. I am a man of constant change, for when I remain the same, it is a death inside me. I pray to this God to thank Him, this God of mighty miracles, this God of Small things.