Pura Vida

I recently came back from a trip to Costa Rica with myself and four of my female friends. I feel I would be remiss in my duties as a blogger, if that is what I am attempting to be here, were I not to include some entry about the trip. I am not entirely sure what I am to say about the trip. I would find it boring were I to give a travel log, so instead I think I'll copy down a few excerpts from my journal.

I do not let anyone read those things I write in my journal, so this is new for me.

11/27/08

... Last night we did a night hike up through the mountains just across from the volcano... It was complete darkness and raining, so we walked through the mud of the jungle able to only see a few feet in front of us and walked across a suspension bridge, we balancing in the dark of the jungle, swaying slowly and silently above a rapid river below us. Afterward we went to a spot in the river fed by natural spring hot pots. The water was fantastically warm and fast moving, creating a wonderful and long water slide carrying you down the river and off a small waterfall to still warmer water and you could swim under the waterfall to a cave, dark and empty but for the water and our bodies ...

We came to a waterfall and were able to walk right to the base. It was wonderful to see the water clear and white rushing through the forest juxtaposed against the swarm of green and trees. I found a long vine hanging down from the canopy of trees above, and like Tarzan I climbed up the vine and swung through the jungle and fashioned a loin skirt out of giant leaves from the plants growing and made my Tarzan noise and beat my chest in ape fashion with my Tarzan hair and leaves covering my near nakedness. It was a great time.

...Several of the bridges were suspension bridges that rocked and swayed with each movement we made forcing a drunk walk across. Some of the bridges were through the jungle and through the trees, both dark and green, and mud soil, and other bridges were above the jungle, atop the canopy, the jungle floor far far below us and we ended with the perfect vista of Arenal Volcano and the gray lava of day visible flowing down the side slowly smoke rising.

...Today, we walked across the street to the beach, the ocean dark and lonely and we all stripped down and ran in. Skinny dipping is always a must, and the sand sparkled as we walked on it, and the water glowed and glittered from movement like fire flies in the ocean. We were alone there in the water and could not see each other even, but only the sparkling of the water, my own naked self against the air around me and the millions of stars in constellations. The sky is so clear tonight, and these stars stand out in a way you could never hope to see in California. It was amazing, and I could have stayed long there alone with but my thoughts and God, and were I with my wife, we would have made love there on that beach among the sparkling sand and stars and naked together we would have loved everything around us and each other and shared that moment, beach, ocean, sand, sky stars.

11/30/08

... Saturday we came down to Manuel Antonio. This is the prettiest place we have been to. It is the beach I hoped to see by coming to Costa Rica, and we hiked through Manuel Antonio National Park where jungle meets sand and ocean and the beaches are white and soft, surrounded by rain forest and the green of the hills. We saw sloths, iguanas, many birds, raccoons, weird rodent creatures, lots of monkeys, and an electric blue butterfly. The park was great. i would have liked more time there, and you exit at a small lagoon and some locals boat you across to the beach near where we began.

...A huge rainstorm moved in with lightning about in the jungle. It rained hard for hours, and the rain water piled high and flooded, and Suzette and I ran out in our swim suits dashing and splashing in the puddles all through town and a local said we looked like kids how we played. The rain fell warm down on us, soaking the skin of our bodies and we ran down the beach and jumped in the ocean with only dark and water around us. We played in the waves that crept up on us, the rain still coming down and it was glorious and warm, and I could go back. Take me back some time to that night with a woman I love and who loves me and we will kiss there in the ocean, the music of the waves and the touch of rain falling hard on us in a dark ocean and a black sky. Take me back sometime, and I will kiss her, there in the water. I will kiss her. We continued to play in the rain and walked down the street and found an art gallery dimly lit on the patio, closed, but still playing soft music and we waltzed there in the rain on that patio, dancing not just in the rain, but with it also . Why do I love the rain so much? I always have. I was alive last night, and shouted and sang and the elements knew my joy. We shared it all and drenched and soaked, I was in love with the moment.

Much else I could include, and much more I could write new, but it is late, and I have done my duty. It was a great trip, with great friends. Costa Rica is a beautiful country, the type of land I dream of someday owning, and life there, it really is simple, and laid back, and beautiful. It is the Pura Vida.

Know Thyself.

"Know thyself and thou shall know all the mysteries of the Gods and the Universe." Is it time to write again? Were I to have an active fan base, I would be a great disappointment, but here I am now, so let me speak a word or two. I am going to tell you a little about me, to bare what I can permit myself to bare. Each word, each secret, is a loss to me, for I have always been not just a secret man, but a secret itself, and I am guarded well, so I will not, cannot just now say too much, bet let us see what words will come. Many years ago, over a decade, I put a list together of all I hoped to find in a woman. The list was ridiculously long and painfully picky, but through that list, I created, or rather realized, the three most important things to me in a relationship. Now, while this was so long ago, and my dating life and habits and experiences have much changed since then, the importance of these three still remains, for in these things, I find myself also. 1. Someone who is very physical. Of the three main modes, or love languages (auditory, visual, kinisthetic) I am predominantly kinisthetic. Of course, like everyone I am a bit of all three, but kinisthetic remains the most important to me. I am a very physical person, and I experience love in these terms. It is important for me for a person to touch me, often and all over. It is important for me to touch someone in turn. I am very much a giver, and I relish in the knowledge of knowing I am pleasing someone I care for. With those I have truly loved, I do not shy away from any touch, in any place we may be. I need somoene who shares this, who is very touchy feely, and sensitive, and passionate, because without it I bore quickly, I frustrate, and I give up. I will never believe someone loves me if they do not touch me. 2. The ability to communicate. That is very generic I know, and I want it to remain somewhat generic because it is so inclusive. I want someone who is open and honest with me, someone who is able to talk about our problems and work them out, who is not afraid, who can show their vulnerability, their strength. I need to work on this myself. I will!! I want someone who can carry on an intelligent conversation, who I am in awe of, learn from, aspire to be. It is as important for me to be intellectually stimulated as it is for me to be physically stimulated. I want to discuss politics and religion, philosophy and literature. I want to be able to disagree and know I am respected. When I was younger I had these conversations, and I loved them, thrived on them, and over these many last years, they have been so few I feel unable to engage any longer. I feel less intelligent now than I was as a high school senior because my brain is a muscle I have not excercised. I want that back in my life. I want someone who intimidates me with her knowledge and the things she can teach me. I also want someone with whom I can engage in witty banter and comic railery. While I realize I am a shy person, I also love to flirt in the right circumstances. One of the most enjoyable parts of dating is the early flirting. I am quick and witty, and want someone who can not only keep up with me, but win and keep me on my toes. I want those zingers that push me back a step and all I can say is "good girl." Have you ever been with someone who you loved so much because you loved who you are when you are with them? That is what I want, someone who brings out that side of me, the side I love, that everyone loves, but few people know about. 3. Someone who can sit for long periods of time in total silence and not feel uncomfortable. Silence, my friends, is greatly under-rated. Sometimes don't words just ruin the moment, the simplicity, the perfection? I believe that if you are uncomfortable with silence it is only because you are uncomfortable with who you are with, and that is true wether you are with a friend, a lover, or only yourself alone. Perhaps I feel so strongly on this because I have spent so much of my time, my youth, my years alone, and I am now accustomed to the silence of my solitude, but it goes beyond this. I want to know when I am with someone that it is enough for that person to just be with me. I want to sit on a blanket staring up at the stars and say no single word, but think the thought that today God has blessed me for this beautiful person beside me. I want to hold her hand, kiss her softly, and be completely and comfortably content in the moment. It is interesting with how much I love the silence, that I also love music as much as I do. Ask anyone who knows me, and they will say my ipod is among my more valued possessions. Sometimes if I am in a conversation and a great song is on, I want to pause all talk and focus only on the song, on some beat, a string of chords, an echo, or the trembling in some singers voice. I thought of this, why I love music so much, and it is for much the same reason as I do enjoy the quiet. It helps me to focus on the moment, the now, on nothing but what is before me this instant, not a second before or after. What worries can I have when I am engrossed in the emotions that someone else wrote down for me? And if I have worries, they are only the worries I need out of me, and magically someone else found a way to express it. I am jealous of their words and wish that I had written them, for I felt them. It was me who starved for the words, and they who filled me. Music is important in my life Also, years ago, I compiled a list of what matters to me, the most important things in my life, that which I cannot do without. They are as follows: God, Christ, family, relationships, love, beauty, freedom. God and Christ I consider much the same. As I am a Christian, I know it is through Christ I get to God, and so I love Christ as my Savior, and it is God who I seek to return to. He is my father. I guess I put them seperately because I thought if Christ were not in my life, than the knowledge of God would still get me through. Family I consider both the family I have now and that I wish to have in the future. I am blessed with my family. I will talk more of my family at a later date. I am also anxious to have my own family. I taught a class the other day, and before classes begin I always talk with people and get to know them a little, and one gentleman was talking about his new family, and he wasn't much older than me, and was asking if I had a family. I told him I didn't, and wasn't married, but definitely wanted a wife and kids in the future. He told me he wished he would not have waited so long to have kids, and I told him I too sometimes wish to have kids early on because I want to be able to keep up with my kids as they are older. I want to play basketball with my sons when they are in high school and have it be competetive. I want to hike with them without them waiting an hour at the top. He said that is not at all the reason he wished he had kids sooner, but he said, "You should see the way my son dotes on me, and the way he dotes on his grandparents." I want that. I want the white picket fence dream, the house, the mortgage, the wife, the kids, the saturday trips to the park for soccer games and ballet recitals, watching a home movie and for once in my life enjoying it, having pride in it. Relationships and love can also be combined. Relationships being both the one and ultimate relationship I hope to have with a woman some day, and the relationships I have with everyone I encounter on any path I take. I seek meaningfull relationships. I do not have enough of them, and it is much to my doing. Love, oh, I will have to speak someday of the love I have inside of me, tearing at my skin. It is deep, and it cuts, and weeps. I am too able to love I think. This too, someday I may tell you of. Beauty and Freedom. I live for beauty. This is one of the big reasons I love my motorcycle as much as I do. Her name is Jana Amata, and yes, their is great meaning to her name. When I am on my motorcycle, I feel and sense everything. When you are in a car, you are seperated from what is around you, but when on a motorcycle, you are part of it, and each canyon I drive through, I am the very soil of the hills, I am the wind himself, and each ocean drive, I am that salty sea breaze, and I take notice down to the frothy foam of every wave. I live for beauty, for nature. In nature, I see God. I see my aspirations. I love photography for this reason. This world is full of beauty, and everything has it, wether mountain or desert, and sometimes the most beautiful scene is in the blankness of a dull and grey sky that shifts in subtle hues. I live for beauty, in art, literature, music, and people. Sometimes I love to just stare at a beautiful woman, not to lust after her, but to admire the beauty and symmetry. This too inspires me, and I want to grab a pen and draw picture, but cannot draw, and no words I find would ever do justice to a beautiful woman. Freedom, for this reason too I am in love with Jana. She is my freedom, my freedom from thought and worry. She is my ability to escape places, and people, and even my own mind. I can only be happy when I am with her, and I am free. I feel the freedom in the wind blowing past me. "Who else has seen such sunsets, or felt the thrill of wind in hair that only motorcycles know?" This my friends, is a little about me, and if I wrote only for myself, then to me I say, "Know Thyself." Discover me. Discover me, and the things you will learn, will take you far.

"The God of Small Things."

A few people have asked when I would post another blog. I didn't think anyone read, or knew about this blog, so it's been a bit of a surprise. I don't intend to write often, as I find other things more important to me, but I'll make an attempt from time to time. What will I write about? Each time it will be a discovery, a conversation between my own selves. Perhaps, I should tell myself then my state of being. Earlier today I had an interview with my Bishop (ecclisiastical leader) in order to renew my temple recommend. Anyone not a Mormon who may read this likely won't know what that all means, and I won't get in to it now. If you have questions, please do ask. It has been a long time since I have been to the temple. I have been stubborn about it for some time. I believe in my faith. I have discovered it is not something I can back away from. I have made my attempts at it, and at times, my faith has stood in my way for the things I felt I wanted, but I cannot escape it, do not wish to escape it. I have a knowledge and faith too deep within me. I have not been to the temple for this long time because I wanted it to be for the right reason. The right reason seemed to further distance itself from me. My move to California, I have been here three years now, has in ways not been good for me. Some of the biggest mistakes of my life I have made here, and spiritually, I had rowed myself down a path I was not meant to travel. The climax of it all came a few months back, and the short of it all is that I decided, the right reason will only come when I make it the right reason, so I am going back to the temple. I have a deep faith for my beliefs. I am not afraid to question those beliefs, to question my own faith, to question the things my church teaches me. I have my issues and my qualms, and I am comfortable in having them. This perhaps I learn from my mother. I learn much from her, as from my father also. My parents have always taught me to come to my own conclusions about things. They are there for advice, support, guidance, but they are intelligent enough to know I am a man who cannot be told, but must learn of my own. I am awed at the wisdom of my parents. You should know them. This climax of a few months back, was a low point in my life, and I wondered how many low points could one life have, and so many in the period of only a few months. A man cannot rise though until he falls. He cannot stand up, until he is pushed down, and I have been pushed by many people, and found the ways in which I tripped myself. The clarity of these last few months has been incredible, and I am constantly set upon some new discovery. Once you commit yourself to an idea, when you let God know, throw it out to the Universe, miracles happen in the smallest ways. Prayer can be a difficult thing for me, yet essential of late. I have complete reverence for God, and still I do not think that when we pray we need to talk too formally to Him. God is my Father, and as such, I will speak to him as my Father. When I am upset with him, mad and frustrated, I will let him know. I am not afraid to express what He already knows. God is God. If I am mad at him, He knows it already, so why try and hide it when expressing the feeling is the best way to work through it? What I want most in my life are the things I know God wants for me. God being the God I know He is, wants me to have it, so when I pray to him I tell him very straightforward that these are the things I want, and they are things I am taught to want, and I am now willing to do my part, He now needs to do His. He has. He is. I pray for miracles in my life, for miracles are what I did need. God is the God of miracles. God is the God of small things. "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass." I think of those things in my life of the last few months, the people I have met, the people helping to change me. I am a man of constant change, for when I remain the same, it is a death inside me. I pray to this God to thank Him, this God of mighty miracles, this God of Small things.

Welcome to the Machine.

"Welcome my son. Welcome to the machine. Where have you been? It's alright. We know where you've been." - Welcome to the Machine by Pink Floyd My first blog entry. Several members of my family are bloggers, and while I have not yet seen the appeal to it, they all seem to enjoy it a great deal. For me, I fear that writing in a blog would only distract me from writing in my journal or attempting to once again find some poetry inside me to ink out on paper. Nevertheless, I am up late at night. I have already written in my journal today, though did not say things needed saying, and so I will give this an attempt, and do not know how often I will write, or for whom I write. I want to speak of one thing. Last month I was messaged on my facebook profile by an old friend of mine, and let me clarify. I was messaged by the first woman I ever loved, the first woman I ever kissed, the first woman to break my heart, all of this 12 years ago, and I have not seen her in over 7 years. Now for you romantics out there you may be thinking that destiny has brought us back, and this woman whom for years I thought the love of my life had somehow found her way back to me. The story does not end so. It was a mere "what's up" type of email, though in a later message she briefly filled me in with the last several years of her life. Why I write all of this is only because it got me thinking of all my former girlfriends, she being the first, and in ways the greatest. I am going to get it out of me, and talk of them. If I could take the best qualities of each of them, no power nor force could bind me nor divert my eyes. My first girlfriend, and I will not use names out of respect, was in ways the greatest of all loves for me. For years, she was the mark by which all women were measured, and still now, I seek for the connection I had with her, but have found nothing close these many years. From her, I would take that connection. I would take her poetic soul, how she moved me to write, to dig deep, to think, to dream, to weep, to smile, to love. She taught me love. I would take from her the power of her words, her ability to express herself, to channel deep and with a pen or some soft whisper she would say it all. I remember dancing in the rain, picnics on the golf course, the night we watched the sun set, the moon rise, the moon set, and the sun rise all while cuddling on my back lawn. I remember dancing on top of empty box cars, balancing on the beams of the tracks. I remember the closeness with her family, being welcomed in, feeling I was an older brother. I remember her long thick hair hanging across her back, her olive skin, the black velvet dress she wore the first time I saw her, her favorite combat boots, walking barefoot, hemp jewelry. I remember the letters she wrote to me, sheltered safely in some beautiful hand made envelope that were themselves extensions of who she was. She was poetry. Her letters, our letters, should be published in some small book. I have waited years to find another woman to speak to me as deeply as did she. It may not exist. I remember the total heartbreak of losing her, the years it took, but the lessons learned, the strength found. Her, I will always think a queen. Girfriend #2. In ways, that was my most genuine and authentic relationship. She, I truly loved. From her, I would take the comfort of being around her, the knowledge of our relationship. I would take the laughter, the caring. I would take her body. I think of it still, sleek and slender, perfectly toned. I would take her playful attitude. How she would tell me she liked certain things, pinch my bum, beg me to snuggle her. Some of the greatest moments of my life were in laying on her floor studying while she worked on her own projects, it was enough just to be close to her, around her, so that I could look up and in seeing her the world was fine. I remember making breakfast crepes together, talking of flowers, and how she discovered my body, and I hers. I remember the heartbreak, the betrayal, the horrid feeling and discovery. She too lasted with me for years, and despite any ending, we remained friendly, and she too will always be a queen to me. Girlfriend #3. She was beautiful, and talented, with a sexy accent that caught the ear of every man, and a smile that caught every eye. She was classy, and stood out, and had a passion inside of her. She threw out every emotion in full force. I knew how other men wanted her, craved for her, the attention she received. When we were together, every person who did ever dream of love envied us, how our eyes locked and did never leave each other. She did not fear it, embraced it, everyone saw it. Her emotions so strong that she had an amazing power to love, but also an amazing power to hate. I will remember how she is the only woman who could hold my gaze and stare me back. Truly she is a beautiful woman, and while she is a queen, I did not hold on to any heart break. Girlfriend #4. Oh, she too was beautiful, and she knew it. She had options, and she knew it. She was passionate and playful and could never seem to get enough of me, my body, my lips, my hands. It was a hunger, a thirst we both did need to drink from. She was strong, independent, strong willed, compromising, and she remains the most mature woman I have ever dated. She surprised me with it, and her flirtacious personality brought out the best of my personality. I knew I was funny and charming and smooth, and I myself desirable, and she knew it too. I would take from her that playful interaction, the witty banter, the comic railery, the laughing and playing. She is a queen, and while I did and do miss her, I did not have the heartbreak, for her rushed attitude never gave me time to truly love her. I wish I could have, would have had time to. Girlfirend #5, and last girlfriend to this point. From her, I would take her thoughtful and personal abilty to give, though it was not for giving sake, but for campaigning. Her small gestures, willingness to show she cared and wished to do what small things she could. It drew me to her, and I found it strange not being the only one to do such small and big things. She lived close to me, and worked a compatable schedule, so we could see each other often. She had friends, and was social, and that was good and healthy for me, though in the end proved a much greater detriment than it was a blessing. She is a queen. I know that, and yet it is difficult for me to think of her as so. It is unfortunate to say that she does hold the honor of being my greatest mistake of these last few years, and I would take it back. I would take it back not for who she was with me or for what we had, but for who she showed herself to be afterward, and for what she has tried to take from me. I thought with her more than any other that I would marry, and yes there was heartbreak, amazing and powerful, hanging in my belly at all hours, keeping me week and tired. I know a talk could have solved it all, had she ever been willing to listen, and yet, I know I must be grateful she never was. I would take much of her, what we each wanted of life. I wish there was more I would have taken. I know there could have been. That is it. I could write novels of each of them, and speak of what wonders they brought me, what heartache or drama they gave. I will try to write more of them later, even if only briefly, and share what remains as reminders. For now, I hope to sleep, but insomnia, she may not let me.